Don’t try this at home

08 October 2010

Don’t try this at home

Category: Climbing


I’d like to complain. When i bought your Psychovertical book i never knew that this seemingly harmless piece of writing could provide me with so much inspiration and lead me so far astray. After finishing the book for the second time i had the idea that i too could solo El Cap. You made it sound easy. Or at least possible. The seed was planted in my mind, there was no going back now.

A few months later i found myself struggling up to the base armed with a haulbag full of shiny gear and a strong belief that i could climb this alone. My overwhelming level of psyche slowly diminished as i inched up the easy first pitch, sweating profusely in the intense August heat. I then discovered that hauling up my stuff required the use of all the swear words in my vocabulary. Eventually the haulbag joined the massive clusterfuck at the belay and i felt satisfied, even though this simple pitch had taken an entire day. It would be so easy to bail from here. So easy. Was i a climber or just a dreamer? I didnt want to be one of those guys who knows everything about a route but has never actually climbed it. I felt like i had something to prove to myself. I chose a technically straightforward and easy climb but 2 more pitches still took another whole day. Maybe it was because i had eaten a lot the day before, or maybe it was the fear but somehow i’d already maxed out my poop-tube.

Each day i picked up speed, dropped less gear and learned things that i’d never really thought about before. I learned that topstepping a hook causes it to pull in a slightly different direction. This resulted in a short but trouser-filling fall as i discovered to my surprise that my method of self belaying also worked.

Sometimes i would start climbing before sunrise, then seek shade behind my hammock during the hottest part of the day, drifting in and out of a restless sleep. In the evenings i would either continue laboring up the wall or settle down in my broken hammock, burn tuna noodles in a jetboil, spill the majority in my sleeping bag and then have the worlds most uncomfortable sleep. I dreamed about placing gear, i dreamed about my childhood, i dreamed about pizza. I would often wake up wondering where i was. Dreams merged into reality and it became hard to differentiate between the two.

I encountered some sort of tanglefucked rope or stuck haulbag on most pitches. One time in particular i made a great error: The haulbag had got stuck under a small roof so i abseiled down the other side of the haul line to free it. To save time i did not back myself up on the lead line.. I freed the bag and as i let go i thought “huh, the bag only contains my sleeping stuff and half a gallon of water, its probably way too light to use this method”. I was right. The haulbag rocketed exponentially towards the belay as i fell equally as fast in the opposite direction. i was only falling for about 4 seconds but it felt like i wasn’t going to stop. I hit a ledge, flipped upside down and crashed arse-first into a ramp, a red camalot becoming lodged in my mouth as the haulbag jammed itself into the mini traction. Not the most efficient way to haul.

I topped out the next afternoon relieved but proud that i had accomplished this goal, but i also felt a huge sadness that it was all over. I would never have done this without the inspiration that you gave me. Thanks for this adventure and i hope you also continue to have many more adventures,

Neil Chelton

I thought this was a wind-up, but it wasn’t (Neil climbed Lurking Fear).  I’m glad he made it.


A Kit Kat bar costs 60p. Were these words worth as much?

This is a reader supported site, so every micro payment (the cost of chocolate bar) helps pay for cups of tea, cake and general web pimpery. Support via Paypal, buy a book or just a coffee.
Andy Kirkpatrick
Andy Kirkpatrick

Andrew Kirkpatrick is a British mountaineer, author, motivational speaker and monologist. He is best known as a big wall climber, having scaled Yosemite's El Capitan 30+ times, including five solo ascents, and two one day ascents, as well as climbing in Patagonia, Africa, Alaska, Antarctica and the Alps.

Follow @ Instagram

More Posts